It’s in my DNA to try to always ‘help’. Whether it’s my family, or my friends, or myself. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it makes things worse. My heart is in the right place and so are my intentions so I don’t know why sometimes things just go awry instead of the way it should. Or the way I want it to.
I guess the answer is life or free will or I’m to pushy or controlling or whatever. But I swear my heart is trying to do the right thing for whomever is involved. I guess I have to learn that I cannot control everything that I see, or am a part of. I cannot worry so much. I cannot be so hard on myself. I make mistakes, I screw up, but I also do good and am positive 98% of the time.
Back in 2003 I started my ‘self-love journey’ I’ll call it. I left my now ex-husband and I had to learn who the heck I was, what the heck I wanted and how the heck I was going to achieve all that. It was a very difficult time for me. I spent an entire three years spiraling out of control and learning how to be in control for the first time in my life. Sometimes I think I did too good a job on the ‘be in control’ part. I spent those years learning who I was again and how to deal with conflict in a healthy way. I pulled my hair out and fought myself and those around me and learned to manage those dark feelings of insecurity and helplessness, yet sometimes they creep back in for a spell. I realized I was a strong woman who was in control of her life. But that backfires sometimes when I don’t remember that I’m not in control, and don’t need to be in control of, EVERYTHING that happens during the day.
I still have difficulties navigating the waters sometimes. This week has been a hard week for me. I got another year older, which I don’t actually care about, but my birthday always reminds me that my father died exactly two weeks after my 22nd birthday. That was 24 years ago and it still affects me. I love my Dad, how could it not? It’s easier throughout the year, but April 11th and Easter Sunday aren’t my favorite days. It’s been a hard week because I fell off the wagon a bit on my Weight Watchers program and I’ve gained 1.5# since Tuesday and it’s only Friday. I feel like crap physically because of it though I’m back on track, but I’m also disappointed in myself for falling. I’m only human so I’m not that hard on myself for it, but I’ve got to get past it completely. It’s been a hard week because I was just too emotional and it causes friction with those I love. I apologized and they love me so they understand, but I still feel bad about it.
There was a line in the movie ‘Pretty Woman’ where Vivian said, “The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?” Not sure why our brains or our hearts do this to us. Cruel joke I guess.
So today, I’m navigating the waters. Good thing I know how to swim.